Before and After

A couple of weeks ago I saw a movie entitled "Before and After" on TV. It wasn't a new movie, probably about 10 years old or so, but it was told by a young girl about the events surrounding her older brother being accused of murdering his high school girlfriend. In the movie, the young sister says that sometimes there is an event in your life that comes when you least expect it and it affects your life so profoundly that from then on, your life is defined forever as "before" and then "after" that event.

I've found out that this is true. This past week has been the most horrible week of my life and nothing will never be the same again.

Last Sunday evening I received a call from my son saying that my daughter, my first born, 

was gone. I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that my beautiful, talented, wonderful girl is gone forever from me and all who loved her. She left behind three gorgeous daughters of her own, whose own lives are forever changed as well. 

To make matters worse for our family, her death has been ruled a suicide, which is just so hard to comprehend. She was so loved by everyone who met her and her funeral was a testament to the lives that she touched. The funeral home was completely packed during her visitation hours and during the funeral by people who have known and loved her all of her short 37 years of life. None of us can understand or know what lead to what happened and unfortunately the only one with the answers cannot explain in this lifetime.

I'm just trying to get through each day, putting one foot in front of the other. I worry about the effect on the rest of the family and how this will affect our relationships. How do we go on when our lives are changed forever? I just don't know. I only know that this hurts so incredibly bad that I can't even describe the pain. What kind of pain was my baby in to make her feel that this was the only cure for that pain? 

I wish I had answers, but I only have questions.