Grief...

Grief is a new experience for me. Sure, I grieved when my father passed away, but he was very ill and in his death I saw healing for him. I've lost in-laws who were precious to me, but somehow you almost expect to lose parents.

I never expected to lose a child.

Parents lose children all the time, unfortunately, but I guess I never even imagined that I would be one of them. Things like that happen to other people, not me mentality, I guess. Added to that the fact that her death has been ruled a suicide has been even worse.

It's been 15 days now and I'm having some good days and some bad days. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for the type of day I have but the bad days are getting better at least. Keeping busy seems to help. But my daughter is always on my mind from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep. I guess I'll always wonder why and I'll never understand. I know I have to accept that and go on but it's so hard. How do I go on?

I guess I just go on and remember her the best I can.

Before and After

A couple of weeks ago I saw a movie entitled "Before and After" on TV. It wasn't a new movie, probably about 10 years old or so, but it was told by a young girl about the events surrounding her older brother being accused of murdering his high school girlfriend. In the movie, the young sister says that sometimes there is an event in your life that comes when you least expect it and it affects your life so profoundly that from then on, your life is defined forever as "before" and then "after" that event.

I've found out that this is true. This past week has been the most horrible week of my life and nothing will never be the same again.

Last Sunday evening I received a call from my son saying that my daughter, my first born, 

was gone. I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that my beautiful, talented, wonderful girl is gone forever from me and all who loved her. She left behind three gorgeous daughters of her own, whose own lives are forever changed as well. 

To make matters worse for our family, her death has been ruled a suicide, which is just so hard to comprehend. She was so loved by everyone who met her and her funeral was a testament to the lives that she touched. The funeral home was completely packed during her visitation hours and during the funeral by people who have known and loved her all of her short 37 years of life. None of us can understand or know what lead to what happened and unfortunately the only one with the answers cannot explain in this lifetime.

I'm just trying to get through each day, putting one foot in front of the other. I worry about the effect on the rest of the family and how this will affect our relationships. How do we go on when our lives are changed forever? I just don't know. I only know that this hurts so incredibly bad that I can't even describe the pain. What kind of pain was my baby in to make her feel that this was the only cure for that pain? 

I wish I had answers, but I only have questions.